Remember in CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY when Charlie found the golden ticket and Gene Wilder told him to carefully fold it up into an origami swan and fly it up his ass, and maybe come back later? …YOU WILL!

Well Adam finally found his golden ticket, that’s right Adam actually had some good luck for once. Adam entered himself in a local magazine contest to win ColdPlay tickets, the tickets went to the person with the best entry of why they deserve the tickets. Adam considers himself to be a huge ColdPlay fan, but he hasn’t been able to see a concert in many years. Adam has never been able to see ColdPlay, so he really spilled his smelly guts in his contest entry… He really wanted to win!

Since Adam is such a sad bastard that even dirty street pigeons feel bad to shit on him, he WON the contest. The editor of the magazine was so moved by Adam’s entry that she wrote about him in that week’s paper – all on how his entry made her cry for two days, his story about his second post-vasectomy baby was so moving in fact that the magazine even rented him a limousine to get to the concert.

Adam was so happy that he was going to see ColdPlay in concert, he was all set.

1. Adam had a friend volunteer to baby sit the kids.
2. A limo was waiting outside to take him and his wife to the show.
3. Adam had $45 for food, drinks, and a t-shirt.
4. Adam had NO idea that the concert was canceled!

Adam was just about to leave for the show when he got the call, the concert was canceled! It was going to be moved to another night with the date to be announced. Adam was lost for words as he hung up the phone… his heart was broken, he went outside to collect his thoughts. He walked out onto his front porch and looked over at the limousine and noticed something odd, a giant tree branch was Investigating the backseat of the limousine for love stains! Adam’s oak tree had broken off a huge branch and crashed into the back of the limousine, the limousine was dead. The limousine driver saw Adam and raced over to let him know the limousine was insured and not to worry about it, the driver had just called his office and they had another car on its way. Adam told the limousine driver to call it off, Adam explained to him how he just received a call… the concert has been canceled. The limousine driver laughed and laughed, Adam did not laugh.

The next day a tree company gave Adam an estimate to remove the giant oak tree branch… $500! So not only did Adam not get to see ColdPlay but he was in the hole for $500! I think this all brings up an interesting question — If your soul dies in a forest, does ColdPlay make a sound?

Poor Adam

Every old house has it’s own charm and personality, that little something that makes a house a home… Like when you smell a fresh baked apple pie cooling in the window sill or a 25lb dead raccoon under your house?

Adam had an unsettling experience when he woke up the other day to a funny-angry sort of smell coming from the living room. He arose in a slight panic thinking that one of the kids might of blessed the house with a brown benevolent booty bomb in the shape of Benjamin Franklin’s kite the second after it was struck by lightning. Adam creeped into the living room only to have the smell grow stronger, but the fear of the children “leaving out their toy’s” burn out like a match after one using the toilet between commercials. The origin of the smell was now a mystery for there was no sight of anything that would cause such a smell… where was it coming from?

Adam took an involuntary deep breath… A sinking feeling fell throughout Adam’s whole soul like he had just seen Patrick Swayze through Demi Moore’s eyes and it was the year 1990, he knew that this had happened before… It was a case of Déjà -POO!!!

The ghostly poo sent that was haunting Adam’s house was WALKING THROUGH THE WALLS AND FLOOR! There was SOMETHING DEAD UNDER THE HOUSE! Adam went outside and took a look under the house… there it was… THE SMELL! Adam remembered that two years ago to this very day a possum had died under the house and it made the very same smell. Adam knew what he had to do!

Adam collected some trash bags, a flashlight and his weegie board and began to crawl under the house. There was many battles he had to overcome but within 30 minutes of that hot Florida morning he was the victor. Adam found a 25lb non-italian dead raccoon under the house, he packed it up and disposed of it quickly and in time for Wast Management to pick it up that day.

After washing out his eye’s with tomato juice and lavender Adam sat down in his living room and relaxed there for the remainder of the day. Adam is the king of his living room once again!

Long live Adam, SO SAY WE ALL!